July 4, 2017 | 10:17 PM | On The Roof Of My Apartment
So, I had a pow-wow with myself recently and I came to the conclusion that I’m going to get more serious about my writing. But first I have to convince myself that I can actually write.
Like many artists, I can be so all over the place when trying to figure out how I want to express myself. Writing is my first passions and it’s the easiest thing for me to do but I’m also a visual person and I want people to actually see what’s in my mind. But I’m not that skilled yet with illustrating. I do have some experience with filming but I don’t have all of the right equipment or enough confidence in my ability to work with what I do have.
Some would say then just write descriptively but I don’t just want to do that. With some things I don’t want to give people any room to visualize anything beyond my vision. For myself, I need to tangibly see in real life the vision that is in my mind. So I get a little frustrated and I wallow for days in my melodramatic self-pity.
The issue here is so very clear to me and i’m ready to face the reality of it. I suck. I suck at writing, I suck at drawing, I suck at filming, I just generally suck. I suck because I almost believe that I suck. So many of the things that I write are swarming with typos, misspells and horrendous grammar. Logic would say, then edit –but I hate editing!
Writing is a lot like sculpting in the sense that you’re mashing and forming words together to create a clear and concise thought. But sometimes I lack the patience and focus to see the process to the end. The blob of clay that I see will just be a blob of clay because I am too overwhelmed by it to want to even touch it in more than I already have.
I try to write and edit at the same time but that just proves to be futile. Why do I even have to edit, my words should come out flawlessly with every stroke of the key or swipe of the pen. I should know all the big words and where all the commas go or don’t go. Why do I suck this much?!
The other truth.
In all seriousness. I think the real issue is that I lack confidence in my abilities. I’m too busy comparing my work to that of others. I don’t appreciate myself enough to value the unique voice that I have. I’ve spent so much time studying and preparing myself in efforts to be a better creator that I’ve forgotten to do one essential thing and that’s create.
The perfectionist part of me wants me to be perfect the first time and every time. But the rational part of me knows that that perfection wants isn’t perfection, what it wants is an exact replica of someone else’s work. Nothing that I can and will ever do will be good enough because it’s not someones else’s work. I can only do what I do.
So what now?
It’s a blessing to be so self-aware because it gives me the power to remove blocks that I place upon myself. I don’t need a critic because I am my own worse critic especially having spent more time pointing out my flaws than anything else. But in defense of my inner Debbie Downer, it just knows that I can do better. I just have to not let that voice be the only voice allowed on the mic.
What can I do?
Aside from letting my confidence shine more. My mission moving forward is to focus on my focus. Instead of splitting my creative energies around in different directions. I’ll focus on fully building up one thing at a time. I thought it was possible to juggle everything all at once but I’ve come to understand the phrase, “Jack of all trades, master of none“. While there are advantageous to being good at a many things. In order to achieve the vision that I desire, I have to actually be great at what I do.
The key to my success is my writing, so moving forward with that awareness, I’m going to focus my time and energy solely on improving what comes most natural to me. I’m sure everything else will fall into place as it should. Plus, it feels great to just be writing again.